Expat Partners: So Who Are You?

In the post Choosing Fulfilment, our final paragraph focused on the importance of choosing to move forward and to adapt the vision that you “had” in your previous location for one that fits better with your new environment. We acknowledged that for some people this may require “letting go” of certain visions or parts of their identity. The identity crisis that can follow a relocation can be extremely un-settling and challenging for the expat partner because, as Linda Janssen states in her book, The Emotionally Resilient Expat:

“Nothing is more important than one’s sense of identity. It goes to the very core of our being. In fact, many of the other key issues in expatriate/cross cultural life stem from identity issues.”

The reality is that the role of an expat partner can be an all-consuming and encompassing role… if we let it. Leaving career, work, home communities behind, we often become the chief supporter. Supporter of our partners career, the organization that relocated us, the children and then often through our involvement in schools, charities the supporter of a wider circle of events and people.

Suddenly all those roles and elements of our personal identity back home, career, daughter, aunt, friend, colleague, partner including our roles in the local community seem to be cast aside and we can become consumed by this one over-arching role. We are seen through the eyes of others as the; expat partner, significant other, trailing spouse or accompanying partner and people assume that they know us. Their expectations for us are pre-set… and if we let it these expectations begin to define us and even how we see ourselves. “Independence” is replaced by “dependence”, our “career role” is replaced by the “carer role” and from those back home, we are defined as the lucky ones, and we dare not complain. And in some senses it is an enticing identity, those around us who share the same role draw us into this “persona”, let’s lunch, do sport, be there in every way for our families, travel, shop, and support the local community, can/should we really complain?

Certainly, if this is the place that you do want to be, if you are confident that this role will fulfill you, then GREAT, you need not read any further.  If, however, what we have written triggers a feeling of recognition, then take the time to evaluate how the role truly represents “you”, who you are, and who you want to be. Make the process of accepting this role or defining new roles for yourself an empowered and intentional choice.  You may not feel the consequences of passive acceptance immediately but it may well lead to resentment as you become more entrenched in the role. NOW - before you have created patterns of life and behaviour around this role - is the time to work out how it fits into who you want to be and what other aspects of “you” should be incorporated and developed.

Who Am I?

In relocating abroad we are neither the person we were before nor a blank slate. We are the product of our life-times experiences, cultural, familial and societal influences, our roles and attitude transported onto a new base of differing cultural and societal influences and evolving roles.

Here are a few questions to start you on the process of thinking about “Who you want to be?”

Think back to who you were, in your last location.

So, you left home feeling pretty clear on this one. You probably were a partner, perhaps a parent, daughter/son, brother/sister, friend, colleague, perhaps you also had a role in the local community and a career that gave you a title, something that defined you in some way, accountant, lawyer, manager, director, nurse, doctor….

So, who were you?

Write a paragraph about who you were. Think about your roles, your attitude, beliefs and what was important to you.

What changed when you relocated?

Write a paragraph about how you and your roles have changed as a result of relocation.

How do you feel about this? In what ways are you comfortable and happy, and in what ways are you not?

What aspects of you/your roles are important for you to retain?

What themes come to you as you re-read what you have written so far?

Who would you like to be in the future?

We hope that this has been helpful to you. If this strikes a chord with you and you would like to investigate this topic further with us then we have space for two more “one to one” coaching clients. You can contact us to talk about our THRIVE coaching programme and how we can support you to create a fulfilled life abroad. We look forward to hearing from you.